Monday, September 6, 2010

If you sneak up on me when I'm home alone, you'll get shot.

I'm a total pussy. I'm afraid of my own shadow. I won't admit how many times I've gotten shampoo in my eyes because I've opened them in the shower, convinced something was creeping up to kill me. I have an irrational fear of the dark, and am terrified of not-normal hiding places (that grudge girl was creepy, damnit!). I've seen way too many scary movies, which scare the shit out of me, and yet horror is my favorite genre... Do I learn, or at least grow a pair? No way.

So I'm taking three classes this semester (while working full time... I know, I know. I'm insane). One of them is a Literature class, which I'm VERY excited about. The first week we were assigned four short stories. One I had already read (I read it again anyway, 'cause I'm awesome like that), a new one I had heard of but hadn't read yet, and two by Edgar Allen Poe. I was very excited about the Poe stories. I've read quite a bit because my hubby wrote a research paper on Poe for our last English class, so naturally, I had to educate myself so that I was qualified to make informed edits. These were new ones though (new TO ME, obviously). However, although I'm aware Poe stories are often creepy, they aren't downright scary. I've never been as scared of a Poe story as I was when I read The Shining. (The bedroom lights stayed on for weeks after that one! But in my defense, I was like 13). That is, until last week.

So I decided to read "The Fall of the House of Usher" at about 11 pm. I shut down the house (all lights except the bedroom), turned off the tv, and climbed into bed with the book. I had already read the first half of the story, and it was going pretty slowly, so it never crossed my mind that the story might scare the shit out of me. PSA: If you haven't read it but plan to, this is where you should stop reading. So the narrator is visiting his buddy Usher, who has lost his fucking mind. But even the narrator is kinda creeped out by this house. Anywho, Usher's twin sister has just died, and they have her in the dungeon, right below the room the narrator is sleeping in. There's a storm outside, and the narrator is creeped out and can't sleep, and Usher comes in because he knows the narrator isn't sleeping, so the narrator starts reading this story to him. There's a knight on an adventure, and he bursts through the door to get to the dragon, and the narrator hears it happen in the house. Then he slays the dragon, and hears a shriek in the house. Then the hero pulls a shield down, and the narrator hears metal in the house. And if you're observant, you haven't forgotten about the FUCKING DEAD BODY downstairs, and the little details like the loud metal door on the dungeon. And the narrator stops reading, and the crazy guy tells him that he heard the noises too, just like he always hears them, and that it's his sister and she's probably right outside the door now, and OH MY FUCKING GOSH MY PHONE GOES OFF!!!!! I almost had a heart attack, I'm not even fucking kidding. The narrator is hearing noises in real life while reading an exciting book. Really right now?!? That's not the kind of shit I need to read about while I'm alone in a dark house!!! Thanks a bunch, Poe! You just did the same thing to books that The Ring did to the television (I know you did it first, for obvious reasons, but still...). Just. Fucking. Great.

So, for once, I've learned my lesson. I had to reread "The Yellow Wallpaper" for this week's class, so I read it while getting a pedicure. Take that.